Psychosis for me was a way for me to define myself. I allowed it to guide me=define my movements. Psychosis was a voice in my head, “telling” me what to do, who I was, etc. I used it as well to try and find my future within and as a pattern.
The thing is that it was not a voice, yet it was, it was manifested as a voice, but it was my beliefs of myself that was being “spoken” through/as the voice. For example I believed myself to be calm and quiet, so that would manifest the voice saying things like, “if you weren’t you than you could have gone in that direction”, or “that would happen”, etc. But again that was my beliefs that I thought I would end up if I was not me. So what psychosis was for me was something to put my responsibility for my life upon, so that I did not have to guide myself, or take responsibility.
Psychosis was something that I could guide myself from, so that I did not have to take ownership of my life=responsibility. I used psychosis to allow myself to feel special. I created a feeling of specialness through knowledge that I had a “God”=something to control me, in my life. That I had a personal god, that no one else had. But again psychosis was a manifestation of the want to be special. I wanted to be special so I created something that would allow/support my feeling of specialty. I didn’t want to take responsibility so I manifested something that I could blame/throw my responsibility onto.
This is the power of the mind. This is what can happen if you give up your power to control/guide yourself. In the end one will get f#*!d over by giving themselves up to beliefs, thoughts, feelings, etc. Psychosis was manifested from a coagulation of thoughts, feelings, perceptions, therefore I was not giving myself up to be controlled by a voice but to be controlled by thoughts, feelings, perceptions, beliefs, ideas, etc.
Psychosis has been a mind manifestation. I know this because I have stopped it.
As well, in psychosis and with marijuana I started to have hallucinations. The largest, most prominent one I remember is sitting in my bed and looking out the window and ‘seeing’ a fat cat sitting there laughing at me while eating. It was in all colours. It was as if it existed from light. I experienced this in paranoia. I believed that the elite in the world were after me for investigating them. I was going through conspiracy theories about Masonry and Illuminati, etc. I believed that they were watching me through my mind with technology unknown of. So this was projected through my mind into my sight.
Another large part of the hallucinations was that I believed myself to be god, Jesus, the Anti-Christ, the devil, an enlightened being, someone that would bring change. Most likely a lot of other things but cannot remember them. What happened that allowed me to believe those things were relating the outside world to the inside world. Relating the physical to like superstitions or beliefs. Like I am looking at a moose on the Moosehead lager bottle, the moose is gold and in that gold I would believe that I am the moose and the moose being gold would mean that I am superior to anything, that which is impenetrable, that which is perfect, that which is valuable. I am looking at it now, bringing up the past, but I no longer experience it if I do not want to. Or I would see a number, the number 6 that would invoke that I would be evil; I would relate evil to being the devil or anti-Christ.
Any psychosis that I experienced would be directly related to me. It would be related to me because I am trying to see myself in other things, trying to define myself by and as other things. Trying to find definition for myself in a way. I have stopped this, through removing definitions of myself. In definitions you limit yourself to being that one thing. Even if you define yourself as multiple things you are still limiting yourself to only those things. I have started to define and live as life. Therefore I now live as myself here, and live equal to and as all. I live as the Earth, my body being the Earth, and everything in existence as well being from the Earth. So no more superiority in believing myself to be better than anything else because I am ‘human’. That is b.s. in its greatest form. I let other things be now; I no longer try to define myself as them.
Everyone has their perception but I have a different experience of emotions and perceptions and beliefs etc. And the experience I am talking about here is that one of which I have lived. To experience emotion and define oneself as that is something that is deceptive. I have lived that experience, but I have only experienced those emotions, they are but a fleeting moment, I did not breathe them, I breathed psychosis, I lived the psychosis. I removed it by using breath. I am not using the right vocabulary to express what I want to express. OK, say you’re swinging on a swing and you are feeling happy. To define yourself as the experience of happiness when swinging would be the deception, but if defining yourself as the experience of swinging would be real. Because you have experienced swinging…it made you happy, but really only you made yourself happy. If you sat on a swing now would you experience happiness the way a child would? No because we have an altered perception of swinging now. I, at least, believe it to be for children. That is the limiter. I will not experience swinging to be swinging because I will have the belief of it being only for children blocking myself actually living it. So my experience as love in watching movies is false, but the fact that I experienced love while watching a movie is the reality. I am not love, I am not feeling, I am the ability to feel love, I am the reason I felt love, I am the purpose that I love. And to look into that ability, reason, and purpose is where self-honesty exists and that is how I have been able to remove my psychosis. I have stopped looking for other things to define me, and I have stopped defining myself outside of myself.
